The eve of my surgery

It's Wednesday night. I sit here watching American Idol and pausing for a toilet break every ten minutes. I know TMI! Ugh, the crap I had to drink today to "Clean" the system, well lets just say its working. I know, once again that was an over-share.
So Dr Fenton called me today. What an amazing surgeon. He had no problem putting my mind at ease. He really said the right things to make me feel better. I was worried about WORSE CASE SCENARIO. He said they have never "lost" a patient on the table in all the years they have been doing this type of surgery....which is 30+ years. So I feel a little better, and he also said I was probably the healthiest bariatric patient he has ever had. Hmmm, there's a compliment, I am the healthiest fatass he has ever had the pleasure of cutting open. Should I be flattered?? On a serious note, I am pretty healthy as far as it goes. I just hope this surgery will help my joint and bone problems. If so, well I will be a new woman! Cheers to that. I promise it's not just a vain issue for me, although if I can make myself look better, then well of course that will make me feel better in other ways too!
So as I sign off tonight, I want to say I love you all that have been supporting this journey with me. In some ways its only just beginning. XOXOXOXO
Good night.
Hopefully I will feel good enough to blog tomorrow afternoon, AND IF the hospital has internet in the rooms.
But Jim will do updates on facebook. I already told him he has too! So it will be on his, so request him if you want to know for sure.

The morning before.

Its Wednesday morning, one day before my surgery. I just felt compelled to write this morning. I woke up at 1:30, to pee of course, and when I layed back down my mind started racing. I am not sure if I have ever been so worried before. I am at the point of considering calling it off. I am not sure if I should willingly put myself in danger. I guess I am literally freaking out. I think I had a bit of a panic attack last night. I layed there thinking about stuff and I got sweaty and my heart was pounding so hard with a huge lump in my throat. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30. I seriously don't know what to do right now. Should I just suck up the daily pain and learn to deal with it???? I am really thinking I might. I am going to call my doctor this morning and discuss some things with him. Maybe some options, my fears, and hopefully get some reassurance from him. With all the surgeries I have had in the past, I don't know why I am freaking out this time. My mom said its because I am older and I think about the things that you don't when you are younger. I don't know if that is it, but I what I do know is I am really scared. Maybe I will write more if Dr Fenton can put my mind to ease somewhat.